run, run, run my mind every night
i miss the past's easy & restful sleep at patsy's
my mental state was probably so abused by my amazing total concentration on finance and homework
that i was able to fall alseep while in the process of getting into bed & just collaspe into a state of serenity.
I wonder if things wld be diff if it was 5 yrs ago, and i was what i am today. maybe i wld nv have screwed up, played it well cos i knew it was there, n not have left w a never felt before feeling of my heart stabbed and throw into an abyss, along with genuine unforced breakdown. but is it better to hurt than feel nothing at all & move on quickly after that, knowing im human? i believe humans love our emotions so much cos we feel that without them, we cant identify who we are, what we are.
and then i wonder again what if i was what i am a year ago. wld things hv been diff? i dont even rmbr s's voice, feeling heavy hearted when 'mr curiosity' plays on my phone while jogging and strangly i couldnt even cry a single tear no matter how much i forced after that day i woke up and i felt like a living nightmare and after tt day i did something i wld nv do again, and iv nv cried for them ever since 5 yrs ago.reversely, when i watch a sad soppy film & try to cry for my past to relish or probably indulge myself in some sadness. i stop, cold turkey, not because i know its not worth as whats in the past was stupid dumb silly n not even worth another though but i just wanna cry but i CANT CRY. WHY.
& of course, these things may pale in comparison with urs, but once again, im being human here, clinging on to the past to hv experiences to form myself or what i think i am.
i guess i nv allow myself to go tt far as the first time now. so i guess i dont feel anything anymore. only hear the sounds of my thoughts running at night & futile attempt to stop them just so i can sleep & hope what follows would be a dark, blank dreamless sleep.
hey i sound demented, neurotic, am i feeling smoeothing now??=+(?
i miss the past's easy & restful sleep at patsy's
my mental state was probably so abused by my amazing total concentration on finance and homework
that i was able to fall alseep while in the process of getting into bed & just collaspe into a state of serenity.
I wonder if things wld be diff if it was 5 yrs ago, and i was what i am today. maybe i wld nv have screwed up, played it well cos i knew it was there, n not have left w a never felt before feeling of my heart stabbed and throw into an abyss, along with genuine unforced breakdown. but is it better to hurt than feel nothing at all & move on quickly after that, knowing im human? i believe humans love our emotions so much cos we feel that without them, we cant identify who we are, what we are.
and then i wonder again what if i was what i am a year ago. wld things hv been diff? i dont even rmbr s's voice, feeling heavy hearted when 'mr curiosity' plays on my phone while jogging and strangly i couldnt even cry a single tear no matter how much i forced after that day i woke up and i felt like a living nightmare and after tt day i did something i wld nv do again, and iv nv cried for them ever since 5 yrs ago.reversely, when i watch a sad soppy film & try to cry for my past to relish or probably indulge myself in some sadness. i stop, cold turkey, not because i know its not worth as whats in the past was stupid dumb silly n not even worth another though but i just wanna cry but i CANT CRY. WHY.
& of course, these things may pale in comparison with urs, but once again, im being human here, clinging on to the past to hv experiences to form myself or what i think i am.
i guess i nv allow myself to go tt far as the first time now. so i guess i dont feel anything anymore. only hear the sounds of my thoughts running at night & futile attempt to stop them just so i can sleep & hope what follows would be a dark, blank dreamless sleep.
hey i sound demented, neurotic, am i feeling smoeothing now??=+(?
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