life.really what is it.isnt this a question everyone repeatedly ask themselves but never really have a definate certain answer.
this question reduces me to tears frequently. this sinkin feeling into abyss about uncertainty & life just breaks my mind down. its something i cant quite grasp, and i cant seem to work my mind out of it.
Marriages, do they stale after a while? i look at my parents, and it brings a smile to my face that when i try to think of theirs negatively, i cant really point a bad side out w/o having something good to neutralize that. yes my dad is the most unromantic person ever, he dismisses my mum every so often but i realized its bcos hes talking about why she's looking at it wrong, not at her, but her way of thinkin. or am i covering up for him cos theres no other way i can look at my dad. this makes me cry again, im so scared to think otherwise. so their typical day would be my mum waking up, havin breakkie, dad havin his breakkie after, mum rushes off to work and so does dad, sometimes they go tog, sometimes not, theres never a demand to be driven by my mum, n my dad tries to ferry her around when possible. a mutual desire of wanting the other party to be in their best place. but i really dont know, i dont think i analyzed much enough before. or maybe a part of my mind refuses to analyze something else besides all that i see. their typical interaction from my memory involves my dad arguing w my mum (friendly of course) n her way of thinking. and me joining him on his side. my mum doesnt think big, doesnt dare probably, and resigns to whatever she is given. no frustration i see, maybe a lil dissapointment when she tells me she didnt go to college. this makes me cry again. did she even dream for herself? im sure she did, i guess she didnt have means to achieve them. this makes my heart rip itself into pieces.she accepts, something im so scared i woudl be reduced to, now im at the crossroads. i dont want to jump into a job i hate waking up to. she hates her job, but does she really? she knows she cant work anywhere else given her skils and knowledge. she is dependent on my dad. My dad is at where he wants to be now i guess, his business and all. He is such a smart guy, someone i really admire. he bullshits a lot, but he is funny as hell. he makes me laugh, he makes my brothers laugh at his incredulous bullshit and how he can say them w/o batting an eyelid, he has that face when he bullshits, haha, and he makes my mum laugh. maybe theres no physical love tt i see, well maybe not in front of me, but maybe in actions? they fell for each other, not in arranged marraiges like so many other asian parents, they had a choice n im glad it worked out for them. my dad makes my mum laugh everyday;)
i dont want a marriage that will stale, is it possible that ppl after a while fall out of love, and only by choice or duty that they stay together?
theres so many im so inexperienced about, so unknowing about, my mind is trying to find a way out, trying to break and analyze. i know im different. i want more. i want to achieve more and get what i want. and im only held back by what is given to me. i can want so much, but can i raelyl get them. and then again, do i realyl know what i want.?i dont. i dont have so many answers, which makes me cry in my mind, makes my mind run so fast at night when im supposed to be sleeping cos i try to shut that down in the day by busying myself with things, n thinking about this makes me so depressed.
i cant find my way, i really cant.
i write because thats the only way to put my thoughts out systematically. and know and look back that i once felt like that and compare to where i woulld be then, have i changed? have i improved?
pictures, people say, help them put their thinking into pplace visually, i think pictures are great, but can be very bias. i guess good photographers try to bring the truth out in them.
i have onslaughts of emotions, thoughts, i wish i could just think them through having answers at the end. i love drawing, i love writing, i might like editing pictures, i love travelling, but what am i doing studying commerce now? this path was taken bcos of the institutionalization of thoughts us singaporeans were drilled into since young. those days of getting into math/science was good "triple science they call it" and i was horrible so i got into the second worst class, the class where we take humanities. HELL, given a choice, i would dfeinately have gone this path again, take history again, done some arts degree instd of commerce. but then if ihave done some arts, i might have wondered about commerce. im just corssing off the things i dont liek now. when am i ever gonna land that thing tt i love, that i would love waking up everyday, feeling right. i have not felt right , i dont know when i have.
.....
but i say, he makes my mum laugh.
this question reduces me to tears frequently. this sinkin feeling into abyss about uncertainty & life just breaks my mind down. its something i cant quite grasp, and i cant seem to work my mind out of it.
Marriages, do they stale after a while? i look at my parents, and it brings a smile to my face that when i try to think of theirs negatively, i cant really point a bad side out w/o having something good to neutralize that. yes my dad is the most unromantic person ever, he dismisses my mum every so often but i realized its bcos hes talking about why she's looking at it wrong, not at her, but her way of thinkin. or am i covering up for him cos theres no other way i can look at my dad. this makes me cry again, im so scared to think otherwise. so their typical day would be my mum waking up, havin breakkie, dad havin his breakkie after, mum rushes off to work and so does dad, sometimes they go tog, sometimes not, theres never a demand to be driven by my mum, n my dad tries to ferry her around when possible. a mutual desire of wanting the other party to be in their best place. but i really dont know, i dont think i analyzed much enough before. or maybe a part of my mind refuses to analyze something else besides all that i see. their typical interaction from my memory involves my dad arguing w my mum (friendly of course) n her way of thinking. and me joining him on his side. my mum doesnt think big, doesnt dare probably, and resigns to whatever she is given. no frustration i see, maybe a lil dissapointment when she tells me she didnt go to college. this makes me cry again. did she even dream for herself? im sure she did, i guess she didnt have means to achieve them. this makes my heart rip itself into pieces.she accepts, something im so scared i woudl be reduced to, now im at the crossroads. i dont want to jump into a job i hate waking up to. she hates her job, but does she really? she knows she cant work anywhere else given her skils and knowledge. she is dependent on my dad. My dad is at where he wants to be now i guess, his business and all. He is such a smart guy, someone i really admire. he bullshits a lot, but he is funny as hell. he makes me laugh, he makes my brothers laugh at his incredulous bullshit and how he can say them w/o batting an eyelid, he has that face when he bullshits, haha, and he makes my mum laugh. maybe theres no physical love tt i see, well maybe not in front of me, but maybe in actions? they fell for each other, not in arranged marraiges like so many other asian parents, they had a choice n im glad it worked out for them. my dad makes my mum laugh everyday;)
i dont want a marriage that will stale, is it possible that ppl after a while fall out of love, and only by choice or duty that they stay together?
theres so many im so inexperienced about, so unknowing about, my mind is trying to find a way out, trying to break and analyze. i know im different. i want more. i want to achieve more and get what i want. and im only held back by what is given to me. i can want so much, but can i raelyl get them. and then again, do i realyl know what i want.?i dont. i dont have so many answers, which makes me cry in my mind, makes my mind run so fast at night when im supposed to be sleeping cos i try to shut that down in the day by busying myself with things, n thinking about this makes me so depressed.
i cant find my way, i really cant.
i write because thats the only way to put my thoughts out systematically. and know and look back that i once felt like that and compare to where i woulld be then, have i changed? have i improved?
pictures, people say, help them put their thinking into pplace visually, i think pictures are great, but can be very bias. i guess good photographers try to bring the truth out in them.
i have onslaughts of emotions, thoughts, i wish i could just think them through having answers at the end. i love drawing, i love writing, i might like editing pictures, i love travelling, but what am i doing studying commerce now? this path was taken bcos of the institutionalization of thoughts us singaporeans were drilled into since young. those days of getting into math/science was good "triple science they call it" and i was horrible so i got into the second worst class, the class where we take humanities. HELL, given a choice, i would dfeinately have gone this path again, take history again, done some arts degree instd of commerce. but then if ihave done some arts, i might have wondered about commerce. im just corssing off the things i dont liek now. when am i ever gonna land that thing tt i love, that i would love waking up everyday, feeling right. i have not felt right , i dont know when i have.
.....
but i say, he makes my mum laugh.
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